Breeders ride "Last Splash" nostalgia wave into Philly

Look, Kim Deal is a pretty lady. But she puts absolutely zero effort into embracing traditional beauty and sexiness – makeup, cleavage, tight skirts, etc. – and therefore no one in the real world would ever label her as “hot.”

Except for millions of indie-rock dudes everywhere.

What if Wilt had played rock music?

This is because Kim benefits from the Rock Star Goggles, which for years have been a popular item with fans of the Rolling Stones (seriously, Mick has always been one of the ugliest dudes in music yet I’m betting his stats compare to Wilt Chamberlain), Guns ’N’ Roses (many women thought Axl, Slash and the boys to be sexy dudes, but I’m pretty sure they’re nasty looking gutter garbage who smell like 5,000 stale cigs covered in a bar’s worth of booze) and Christie Brinkley, who was obviously seeing something completely different than the rest of the world whenever she looked at Billy Joel.

Indie-rock chicks wear the Goggles too when they ogle guys like Ryan Adams, Britt Daniel and Conor Oberst.

And so do indie-dudes when they gaze upon Kim, and it’s only made worse by the fact that none of them would have kicked her out of bed in the first place. But put a bass on her, toss her up on stage with the Pixies and have her sing about a big black Garter snake (and not the one in your yard) in “Gigantic,” and it’s all over.

Oberst: Hot indie-rock guy, or psycho killer in the making?

Want to kick it up a notch? Put her back in the Breeders and have her tour with sister Kelley (her  twin, whoah) on the “Last Splash” 20th anniversary tour. And make sure she's doing it with the classic Breeders lineup, which includes drummer Jim MacPherson (also a one-time beat minder for Guided By Voices***) and Josephine Wiggs on bass. Reports from the tour so far are that the crowds are stuffed with overweight dudes in their late 30s and early 40s who can’t help but sing along to tunes like "Cannonball" and “Do You Love Me Now?” and “Divine Hammer” (another phallic reference…interesting).

The Breeders bring that tour, where they play the seminal 1993 album front-to-back, to The Trocadero Theatre, 1003 Arch St., in Upper Darby, Pa., on May 5. Tickets are $20 in advance, $23 on the day of the show, an absolute steal by today’s concert standards, even if you’re not smitten with Kim like I am.

Doors open at 7 p.m., and the show starts at 8. Go here to purchase tickets.

Here's the classic lineup, doing their thing back in the day.

*** GBV fans know all about the cross-over action that took place with The Breeders and Guided By Voices, both of which hail from Dayton, Ohio. The Breeders covered GBV's "Shocker In Gloomtown," and even included the band in a clever video that got ample play on MTV. Kim Deal and Bob Pollard were buds at one point, and Deal was producing some of the stuff on 1996's "Under The Bushes, Under The Stars" before some weird shit went down. They were supposed to be in a side project called The Amps until Bob backed out (or Kim cut him out?), but then Deal did The Amps anyway and they cranked the criminally underrated 1995 album "Pacer."