Burnt Bizkit; Jonesin for more Tom

It's too easy to rip Limp Bizkit.

Pounding on the Led Zeppelin of rap-metal was clichéd before people even started doing it.

Yeah, of course they sucked. Yeah, of course dudes who chanted out the words to "Nookie" were gargantuan douche bags. Yeah, of course Fred Durst was a talentless blob of skin and bone. Yeah, of course that guitarist guy looked like a f*cking jackass with all that paint all over his face. Yeah, of course their contribution to music was to make every other band and solo artist sound so much better because of the stream of awful shit spewing forth from the stage every time they played.

But so what? Their fans are their fans, their music is their music, why bother taking shots?

Because they're still around. Limp Bizkit should not still be together, playing and making music. Of course saying things like this just fuels Durst's fire, so he'd probably just flip the middle finger and start humping at whoever said such a thing. Just like he does here in the video for "Gold Cobra," a single from the 2011 album of the same name.

What the shit? Why are you so mad Durst? It's not our fault that you're an old man pretending to be a kid. It's not our fault that you could put all of the big jugs and hot cars in the world in your video and it still wouldn't change the fact that the only reason you get laid is because you're a rock star.

If you have to stick around, and play shows, like Wednesday's sold-out gig at the Theatre of the Living Arts in Philadelphia, just play "Three Dollar Bill Ya'll" from front to back and embrace the nostalgia. Don't make new stuff. You're embarrassing yourself. Seriously. Stop.

Go ahead, bite my chest hair: T.J. in his prime.

One guy we don't mind having around is Tom Jones. This guy can and has crooned everything, from bawdy originals to cornball covers to whacked out collaborations (pairing up with Art of Noise to cover Prince's from "Kiss," covering "Hot Legs" with Tina Turner), and as far as I'm concerned he can keep on doing it until the day that he dies. Shit, he can keep on doing it after he dies - they can just stuff him and wheel him around and play classics like "What's Up Pussycat" while his dead, hairy-chested body sits there in all its glory.

I mean, we're not that far from that right now. Have you seen this dude lately?

But yo, the 72-year-old (!!!) is actually tackling serious material now, having a real-deal renaissance a la Johnny Cash in the twilight of his life. Not surprisingly, music execs aren't getting it, as one called Jones' 2010 album "Praise & Blame" a "sick joke," even though it's freaking rad as hell. On his latest album he does Leonard Cohen's "Tower of Song." He does Blind Willy Johnson and Richard Thompson.

It's no longer about witnessing a Cheese Fest when Jones plays out, as he will May 17 at the Theatre of the Living Arts. Could actually be a cool show for all the right reasons. Go here to buy tickets.

Evangelina and the Boys: Hold the pepperoni, bring the rock at Extreme Pizza

You say it's weird to have a show at a joint like Extreme Pizza on Wilmington's recently revived Lower Market Street area (or LOMA for short). 

You say it would be odd to be munching on one of Extreme's signature pizzas, which go by names like Peace In The Middle East, Mr. Pestato Head, Pandora's Box or Poultry Geist, while taking in a set of sultry tunes merging alt-pop with a variety of other sounds by Evangelina and the Boys.

Evangelina has a new side band, and they're called The Boys.

You say a pub-type place, like Dead Presidents or the Del Rose Cafe, is more appropriate for that sort of thing.

Well maybe you weren't around Newark in the mid-1990s, when Jam'n & Java was one of THE spots to catch live music.

Or maybe you forgot about one of the most amazing moments in music video history, a moment so amazing that whenever I see it again, I still can't believe it.


And, if you don't have a kid, you probably never saw "Lemonade Mouth," and in that case you never saw the scene where Dante's Pizzeria is the only place that will let the banned kids' band play. True, the pizza place show got a bit out of hand, but still:

But Extreme Pizza has become a sneaky cool place to catch a show, and it's not quite like Dante's or Al's restaurant on "Happy Days." It's a swank, relaxing, low-lit establishment where the typical Wilmington Yuppie douche faction is surprisingly non-existent.

Evangelina and the Boys perform at Extreme Pizza, 201 N. Market St., Wilmington, on Friday April 26. Singer song-writer Chad Michael Jervis opens at 8 p.m. Best part: It's free. Visit Extreme Pizza's website for more info.

Hump Day Chat: Geeking on Midnight Oil, and The Punk vs. The Godfather

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doot.

As has become custom here at First State Rock, Michael Anthony of the rock hall blog Cleveland Does Not Rock joins our very own G.E. Smith for a random chat about rock music, some of which pertains to the Delaware Valley music scene. Or maybe not. Here goes:

G.E. Smith: You into the vid for "Power and the Passion" by Midnight Oil? It came on VH1 Classic's "120 Minutes" the other night. That video and song scares the shit out of me. What the f*ck is wrong with that Peter Garrett guy?

Michael Anthony: Haha yeah man. His moves seem to be a mistake.

G.E. Smith: They're more exaggerated in that tune. Like as if it's great or something. It sounds like dung.

Michael Anthony: Isn't it a little weird how no one cares about them now? Unless you live in AUS. I don't know why but I dig 'em. I'd never listen to 'em but it's pretty good. The singles at least. I bet the album tracks are ass. You into "Dead Heart"?

G.E. Smith: Yea I love "Dead Heart," and I like "Dream World" even better. I'm actually pretty into them. At least I used to be. I saw them in concert during all that Greenpeace shit and I have three of their albums. There's some not so bad deep cuts, like "Stars of Warburton" on "Blue Sky Mining."

Michael Anthony: I thought maybe you started hating them. Like I hate Elvis Costello now.

Gas face: Is it really that hard to play bass?

G.E. Smith: Who do respect more, Costello or Sting?

Michael Anthony: Haha I hate Elvis relative to how much I loved him in the past, but I wouldn't go so far as to compare him to Sting (whose "Back To Bass: 2013" tour comes to the Pier Six Pavillion in Baltimore on June 12, and the Borgata in Atlantic City from June 13-14). You think they're even comparable? Sting has no "Oliver's Army." Not even close. Both racist, both play soft rock now, neither ever played punk rock.

G.E. Smith: Yea definitely. I guess it comes down to who is more of a Fake Punk. Who is more longing to have punk roots and who fails worse in that department.

Michael Anthony: I don't think either tries now. Maybe both were just unwittingly shoehorned into punk/ New Wave but were really just aching to be adult-contemporary losers all along. At least Midnight Oil has the radical politics going on. You ever see how their most recent album cover jacks Wire?

G.E. Smith: Who, Oil? What year did that come out?

Michael Anthony: 2002. Similar cover to "A Bell Is A Cup."

G.E. Smith: You think that bald asshole dresses as Fred Krueger for Halloween?

Michael Anthony: Yeah. Or Slender Man.

G.E. Smith: You think Oil could have gone the Kiss/ Alice Cooper/ Misfits route?

Michael Anthony: You think if Garrett did a reverse Kiss people would like him better with makeup on?

G.E. Smith: You think him and his band ever jam naked in the desert?

Michael Anthony: Just him.

Rock and Roll PB&J: Soraia, Tony Travalini at Mojo Main

For some reason, there are certain things that bring comfort to your life. Someone else might think they're mediocre, or even shit, but to you they restore order amidst the chaos. They're things like this:

And this:

And this:

If you were going to come up with a local concert equivalent of this, it'd be something like Friday's (April 26) show at Mojo Main, where Philadelphia-based Soraia will be joined by Tony Travalini and the Still Lifes. Back in the day (and by back in the day I mean five years ago), you could find these two acts at the original Mojo, Mojo 13 in Holly Oak, pretty regularly, playing alongside acts like Dead Loretta, She Slash He, The Tressels and, well, Von Hayes.

You are the one true king.

Soraia is led by lead singer Soraia Mansour, who sort of resembles that beautiful and horrifying fire lady on "Game of Thrones." They'll be pimping the superb tunes from their latest album, "In the Valley of Love and Guns." In addition to the always steady Travalini and his Still Lifes, there's also Kind of Creatures, an up-and-coming new (and by new we mean, like, they just played their first show last month) band with some pretty interesting sounds going on. Definitely check out their set.

The bands Tone and Gang Age round out the night of music, which begins at 9 p.m. Admission is $5, and tickets can be purchased in advance at Ticketfly.

"Happy" Record Store Day? SHIT NO

Main Street Jukebox in Stroudsburg, Pa. Bought "Pleased To Meet Me" here.

Everyone was going around on Saturday, as they do every year, Tweeting and Facebooking and commenting "Happy Record Store Day." Why? What was so happy about it?

According to me, it sucked. It sucked because Rainbow Records, the last record store on Newark's Main Street, is closing down at the end of June. Great. F*cking great. Main Street has 14 pizza places, 65 bars, 10 boutique clothing stores, 24 ice cream joints, and 745 restaurants. And three parking lots. BUT AS OF JULY NO RECORD STORES. This is a college town. What the f*ck?

Smug asshole.

It sucked because of Metallica. Thanks, jackasses, for your Great Stand against Napster and the music pirates of the world. You did justice by millionaire douchebag rockstars, like yourselves, everywhere who didn't want their sex and money train derailed by music fans. The real tragedy is that Lars Ulrich, maybe the dumbest man alive, actually had a point: Free downloading of music DOES hurt recording artists, who can't make money if people aren't buying it. Unfortunately, by vilifying people who just love music, you only emboldened them to find new ways to continue "stealing" it, and at a higher rate. There's a way for this to work, it will just take someone with more smarts than the braintrust that is Metallica.

It sucked because of the record industry, which had a brief glimpse of sanity in the early 1990s before turning inspired alt and indie-rock acts into cash cows, which eventually killed great bands like Superdrag, and then ushered in rap-metal, and then boybands, and then faux-indie rock, and then castrated rock like The Shins, and then The Killers, and so on. The industry controls what's popular like the government controls what party is in power (what?).

It sucked because of fans, who have become too confused or too lazy or both to delve deep into the outer reaches of the Internets to find and discover great new bands. Clearly there's a need for band sites like the Bandcamps, and the Facebook, and the ReverbNations or whatever other MySpace replacements are out there, but there are now TOO MANY options for fans. They can't find what they should be finding. The f*ckfaces at snob clubs like Pitchfork only contribute to the confusion.

It sucked because of MTV, and then MTV2, and then VH1, and then VH1 2, and now VH1 Classic, all of which started out as channels that just played music videos and then started stuffing programming which stuff that had nothing to do with music. That spectrum ranges from "I'm A Pregnant Teen, I Love Evil Clowns, But No One Knows It" on MTV to airings of movies like "Fletch" on VH1 Classic that have NOTHING to do with music at all. You can say, well, anyone can watch whatever video they want on YouTube. Well, they don't. And you can say, well, no one makes videos anymore. And I'd say, well, that's the problem. For all its negatives MTV did some amazing things for music, introducing bands like R.E.M., The Replacements, Jane's Addiction and various acts on "120 Minutes," introducing rap to mainstream society on "Yo! MTV Raps," keeping metal alive on "Headbanger's Ball" and making Mark Mothersbaugh famous. Today, the latter gives parents everywhere joy on a daily basis via "Yo Gabba Gabba," which actually helps promote music through the appearance of cool bands on the show.

Yes, this is the Devo guy. And, yes, he is keeping music alive.

It sucked most of all because it's reality. No one wants to buy CDs or tapes or vinyl anymore. Maybe the labels and artists could contribute to help indie stores stay open. Maybe artists could treat releases like Cracker Jack boxes and put special prizes in each one, like codes to downloads or special artwork or even those little comic book thingys they put in the actual boxes for the caramel popcorn treats with the peanut shit.

And maybe someday it will come back due to the retro factor. Until then, we'll just follow along like little sheep and download the latest Lumineers single on iTunes. Yay. Does the fun ever start?

Do the creep: Graham Parker & The Rumour at The Queen

My brain just melted trying to decipher Graham Parker from Marshall Crenshaw.

Now is Parker is the gangly geek who wrote and sang the sweet single "Someday, Somewhere," or is that Crenshaw?

Is Crenshaw the sickly looking geek-in-denial who is constantly lauded for nothing in particular, or is that Parker?

Old age is a bitch. Heck, sometimes I can't separate between Marshall Crenshaw, Graham Parker or Graham Repulski.

But thanks to the Internets I think I got it.

All of you! You are gonna dieeeee!

Graham Parker, who will be at World Cafe Live at the Queen in Wilmington with his band, The Rumour, on Saturday (April 20), is the guy who already looked like the preacher from "Poltergeist II" when he busted out with his 1976 debut "Howlin' Wind" (really? at age 26?).

He then got by-passed by Elvis Costello upon the fellow-Brit's 1977 debut, pretty much because Costello was a clone of Parker - the voice, the R&B-inflected rock, the nerdish charm - only with better tunes and far worse teeth.

Marshall Crenshaw is the "Someday, Somewhere" guy, and what has me on edge right now is the fact that this is the second mention of Crenshaw in the short life-span of First State Rock. Kill me now.

Parker had just one Top 40 hit, "Wake Up (Next To You)," but there's plenty of decent Van Morrison rips like "Heat Treatment":

He also churned out of some of the most awesomely bad album covers of all time.

But he was a pretty solid live performer, which makes his performance Saturday a best bet for local music fans.

Hump Day Chat: Purling Hiss, Breeders, Yo Gabba Gabba

Purling Hiss, spawned from the increasingly secular Philly music scene.

Cleveland Does Not Rock's Michael Anthony joins us today for a rambling conversation about
music, some of which has actual relevance.

Michael Anthony: This band Purling Hiss gets gooed for but it sounds like wimpy Dinosaur Jr. Who needs it? You heard it? Check it out here.

popzeus: Looked 'em up. Philly psych-rock. About to go on tour in Europe. Has a record out on Drag City. Produced by a dude from another Philly band, War On Drugs. It's not bad. Compared to most other awful shit.

Michael Anthony: It sounds like a bad late '90s Dino Jr. song. Decent but not the same.

popzeus: You were talking about how that scene has gotten douchey, and how they started shunning bands from out of town.

Michael Anthony: Something like that. What I heard was there are certain cliques and it's very insular. Like if you follow slacker indie rock you wouldn't play at or go to a venue that featured earnest folk bands. I guess it's kind of normal but what I heard is that it kind of shuts out people from reaching a broader audience other than their niche.

Thee Oh Sees: Never saw the goofy eyeglasses thing before.

popzeus: Yeah, why would you only be into one kind of music and nothing else? Seems kind of snobbish to me.

Michael Anthony: How about this band Thee Oh Sees? Cool psych rock I guess but no hooks. I feel like most "lower"-fi bands are just as bad as the early '00s dance rock and garage rock bands when it comes to "attitude" over substance.

popzeus: Or "clothes" over substance. Stuff like that, to me, isn't horrid, it's just so mediocre that I wish it sucked. On a whim, I'll grab a classic like The Breeders' "Last Splash" to cleanse my pallet and hear something inspired. You into that album?

Michael Anthony: Yea man, it's good.

Popzeus after Tuesday's 'Last Spash' listen.

popzeus: I was surprised at how good "Last Splash" is. Been a while since I gave it an honest listen.
If you just try and dig it for what it is instead of some monolith of alt-rock it's pretty rad.

Michael Anthony: Yea really good hooks I think. Interesting but not off-putting or inaccessible. Perfect balance, probably.

popzeus: It whacker her out. She was afraid to do anything else, probably because she thought she'd never be able to hit that mark again. It blows anything Frank Black ever did solo out of the water.

Michael Anthony: "Headache" though. That should be on AM radio.

popzeus: Yea. First three tracks on "Teenager of the Year." Wow.

Michael Anthony: His self-titled album is a little fey. "Abstract Plain" is tighty.

popzeus: Yeah. "Thalassocracy" too.

Michael Anthony: You ever see that super f*cked up tune about "Rainbows" on "Yo Gabba Gabba"? With that old guy?

popzeus: Yea we are actually watching that one right now.

Michael Anthony: Shit, so are we.

popzeus: "Rainbow Connection." That "Muppets" tune. That fuct Paul Williams guy.

Michael Anthony: Yea, that vid is fuct looking. Because of the old fuc.

popzeus: What part are you on? The sunshine song?

Michael Anthony: Lance doing the rain cloud. "Rainbow Connection" tune just ended. Do the rain cloud! Do the rain cloud! Work it!